Tuesday 1 August 2023

What is success?!

Well, I just happened to read something that I had written a few years ago called ‘A treat for my own eyes’, about my reaching of certain milestones in life and the story behind them.


And although tears of happiness and flashback rolled through my eyes, what I realised by the end of reading it is that the words like ‘achievements’, ‘goals’, ‘success’, ‘failure’ are so time relative and short-spanned in nature. What we perceive as success today, may well not be even near that in a few years to come! That does not in any way demean or discredit your achievements or the struggles behind them, but it only makes you realise that it is not ‘eternal’ and ‘everything’ in life. Success or failure, life moves on and so do you. 


It is a part of life fully relevant at a particular time of your life. Once you cross that, the mind and heart automatically switch to ‘what next’ mode! Which then means no matter what you achieve and what you don’t, it’s relevant only in that point of time in your life. It’s momentary bliss. Wonderful, but not eternal. So then why tremble and fear for mistakes? For so called failures? We attach so much of fear and resistance to risk-taking and faltering that we just fail to realise that the very end result of it all, which in worst case be failure, is also very momentary! It comes and goes, but in fact leaves something behind to plunge from. 


So that said, what is the point of writing this today? It just occurred to me that, many a time, we reach those points in day to day situations of life when defining these words like ‘success’ and ‘failure’ itself becomes challenging, relative and microscopic. Life till here was relatively simpler. Life’s goals were more or less fixed by the system that we were a part of. Meaning, while studying, to excel and bring accolades to yourself and your institution, was the goal. The next one was to fetch yourself some good work. Then to be the ideal worker and learn the craft. Then comes the real challenge now, as to how do you say you have learnt it all to be on your own two feet, when you know one lifetime will not be sufficient to learn it all. So that leaves you with an additional task of ‘defining your own goals’ now! You need to know when to start, when to stop, how much to do, what to do, and how to do! Back to the basics! So it’s a full circle of learning, implementing, and rejoicing the fruits of the two. When you are here, can you still locate one thing as success? 


What is success? Being able to wake up everyday and go to work? Being able to touch lives with your knowledge? Being able to earn money? Being able to take sundays off? Being able to bring changes in people’s lives? Being able to contribute to your family and society? Being a good human being? Is my definition same as yours? What is it after all! 


So if I am given a paper and a pen to write today about what will be the treat for my own eyes to see, read and feel good about myself, I don’t think I will be able to do that. Not because there are no struggles and corresponding accomplishments, but there are so many spread across several horizons of life that one particular definition of success does not fit it all! 


Thus my friends, This lesson. This learning. This understanding. Reaching here.. is my success as on today! What is yours?!

Thursday 25 May 2023

Half full or half empty?



There are those moments in life,

When they are neither in the right,

Nor on the wrong;

They don’t bring light;

Nor are dark,

They are on the fence.


You cannot hold on to them,

You cannot let them go.


Life seems full with them, but wrong,

And life seems dull without, but right.

You choose right over dull, you are not yourself,

You choose full over wrong, life is not simple.


Go days and years in this battle,

To mend the fence, and blur the line,

When finally the moments fall apart,

Half here, half there. 


Now the glass is half full or half empty,

Is all on the eyes that see,

But you have lived the life on fence,

Neither here, nor there, in the middle?

Or

Half here, half there, with flavours of both?


~Anu


Wednesday 19 January 2022

The Moon of Sky!

Breeze on face when you shine in sky,
is all I need to breathe and sigh.

In a place stuck for now,
your gaze gives me hope, 
and a few moments off the rope!

As i stand today and see you,
I wonder if you ever get tired of your life.
Of roaming the sky in cycles, 
sometimes shining half and sometimes in full. 
And not for a day or two, but since time nil.

But as i thought and thought,
I lost my thoughts to your radiant beauty and charm,
and stood there numb in awe,
to only return to my place with a smile and calm.

"By being you and shining through,
you get to be the MOON of SKY!"

                                           

Saturday 18 July 2020

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE - THE SHADOW PANDEMIC

‘DOMESTIC VIOLENCE’ - THE SHADOW PANDEMIC:

“The brightest flame casts the darkest shadow.”     - George R. R. Martin

Covid-19/Coronavirus disease has indeed become one of the brightest flames claiming not only millions of lives and livelihoods across the Globe, but also casting some ugly shadows that are as dark, if not more, as the pandemic itself. To combat such a ferocious virus, India was forced to go for lockdown which not only brought the nation to a stand-still, but also paved way for many suppressed realities of our society to emerge out in open and run parallelly as “Shadow Pandemics”, one such being “Domestic Violence against Women”.

The statistics provided by the National Commision of Women, India, shows a drastic increase in the number of domestic violence cases reported during lockdown in the country, and this paper is an attempt to understand the reasons for the same. 

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND PATRIARCHY:
‘Domestic Violence against Women’ is a crime that is placed in the misogyny of the societal setup. As the Committee on Equal Opportunities for Women and Men puts it:
“Violence against women is a question of power, of the need to dominate and control. This in turn is rooted in the organization of society, itself based on inequality between the sexes. The meaning of this violence is clear: it is an attempt to maintain the unequal relationship between men and women and to perpetuate the subordination of women.” 

“Traditionally the basis of social differentiation was biological as women had to undergo the process of child bearing and rearing and men were predisposed for earning livelihood for the family. They were assigned the role of father and husband and treated as heads of household under a patriarchal system. This, in turn, made them centres of power, resource, property, etc., where women were restricted to the husband and children through the institution of marriage and family. The dependence on men resulted in an unequal distribution of power relation in the family.”

THE PROVISIONS OF THE PWDVA AND ANALYSIS OF THE DEFINITION OF ‘DOMESTIC VIOLENCE’ AND DISPARITY IN THE ABUSES INTER SE:

The Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act, 2005, (PWDVA) was considered as a victory of a battle long fought. It was devised to protect women from the abusive hands and minds of the people who are her ‘family’. The provisions of the Act are indeed commendable as it provides for, inter-alia, a very extensive and an inclusive definition of ‘domestic violence’; Protection Officers; assistance mechanisms; right to a shared household; right to an alternate accommodation; Protection Orders; right of removal of the perpetrators of violence from the shared household and the like and in addition to all these reliefs, compensatory reliefs are also provided for. However, the benefits of all these accrue to a victim of abuse only when the act complained of is considered as “domestic violence” and hence the definition of “domestic violence” becomes the backbone of the legislation. Chapter II, Section 3 of the Act defines “Domestic Violence”. It lays down that, inter alia, any act, omission or commission or conduct of the Respondent which harms or injures or endangers the health, safety, limb or well-being, whether mental or physical, of the aggrieved person or tends to do so is “domestic violence” and includes causing physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal and emotional abuse and economic abuse.  Thus, it sub-categorises the abuses into four, namely, physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal and emotional abuse, and economic abuse. 

When it comes to the matters of a family confined to four walls, where the access to truth, precision and reality is too dim and the act/s complained of cannot be viewed in isolation but through the entirety of the situation and circumstances, the overall consideration of various factors involved behind the alleged act of abuse becomes primordial for a meaningful interpretation of “domestic violence”. For some women, a slap on the face may not justify as an ‘abuse’ as it has become their way of life, which ideally should change; but for some others, mere ‘silence’ by the Respondent/s in a situation that warranted his/their words may become an abuse. For some women, a slap behind closed doors is not an abuse but the same in the presence of others may become an abuse. I cite these examples to highlight the importance of Explanation II to the definition under the Act and that, according to me, is the most important tool provided under the Act which has to be exercised diligently.

In a famous English case of R. v. Dhaliwal, the husband continually undermined and demeaned his wife for a long period of time, before she finally committed suicide. Each act looked at separately might have been regarded as no more than an unpleasant remark, a cruel insult at worst. The English Court of Appeal was also unable to find an offence committed by him. However, once the final act of suicide was seen in the broader context of prolonged and regular subjection to belittling remarks, the impact of which were such that she was reduced to committing suicide, it was difficult to miss the severity of the alleged behavior. 

When a woman runs to a police station to complain about an emotional abuse caused by the indifferent attitude of her husband, the first set of questions that she has to cross through is, does he hit you? or does he force for sex? or does he insult you? and if the answers to these questions run in the negative, then the abuse becomes ‘trivial’ and the woman becomes ‘silly’. This is so because an ‘emotional abuse’ by the ‘indifferent attitude’ of the ‘husband/partner’ is no abuse at all. This episode speaks a lot about the efficiency of PWDVA. Such an approach towards the ‘emotional abuse’ is not only placing it below in the hierarchy of abuses but is also creating a disparity in our approach towards the various kinds of abuses enshrined in the Act. The emotional, verbal and economic abuses are not only compared and contrasted with that of physical and sexual abuses every time, but are also undermined because they are deemed to be less graver than the physical and sexual abuses. Undoubtedly, physical and sexual abuses are harsher as they inflict both physical as well as mental pains, but that does not justify ignoring and undermining the other kinds of abuses mentioned in the Act, which, if done, defeats the whole purpose of the Act itself. 

Physical and sexual injuries are offences under the criminal law as well. They are invariably visible and hence, tough to be denied. But when the act complained of involves an emotional or a verbal or an economic injury, such injuries are not visible and thus become subject to the subjective analysis of the ‘men’ in authority and if it passes the test, it becomes an abuse, otherwise it fails to even reach the book of law. This is one of the huge drawbacks of the PWDVA which leaves such abuses to the mercy and understanding of an individual concerned and his subjective approach.

Another reason for such a disparity between the four abuses to exist is, in reality the word “omission” present in the definition of ‘domestic violence’ has almost become redundant. Majority of the reported cases of domestic violence pertain to the ‘commission’ of an act amounting to ‘abuse’ but do not consider ‘omission’ or abstaining from the duties/obligations cast upon the Respondent/s towards the well-being of a woman as an abuse.  In other words, the definition casts both positive and negative duties on the Respondent, while the ‘Negative duty’ requires him not to do acts that endanger/harm the well-being (mental or physical) of an aggrieved person, the ‘Positive duty’ requires doing of acts that are towards the welfare and well-being of the aggrieved person. However, if a case of an omission to do a particular act towards the well-being of an aggrieved person is reported to the police or any such like authority, it fails to gain any attention whatsoever, as it is again compared with the commission of some overt acts of violence/abuse and thus ends up as ‘less graver’ form of abuse or no abuse at all.

Watching a woman harm herself physically or mentally when pushed to that state by any person or circumstances and doing nothing about it, is a form of physical abuse too. Subjecting a woman to exertion by denying a helping hand to her in times of a lockdown where there is no domestic help, is again a form of physical abuse. Deliberate abstinence from fulfilling the sexual needs of a woman is a form of sexual abuse. Reluctance towards the emotional requirements of a woman is an emotional abuse too. Limiting the financial resources for a home so as to satisfy one’s luxurious self-needs is a form of economic abuse. All these are instances where an abuse is caused not by ‘commission’ of a violent act, but by ‘omission’ of a duty. Unfortunately, the term ‘domestic violence’ in India has become almost synonymous with only the infliction of pain/injury by doing acts of violence but does not cover under it the ‘non-doing’ of acts of kindness and care which are the foundations on which an intimate relationship like that of a marriage or the like, stands on.

In the case of Vajresh Venkatraman Anvekar vs. State of Karnataka, the complainant-wife committed suicide pursuant to being tortured and slapped by husband and his other relatives, and the Learned Sessions Judge while acquitting the husband and other accused, held as follows: 
........Therefore, giving one or two beatings is not cruelty to drive the deceased to commit suicide.”
While setting aside this holding of the Learned Sessions Judge as “perverse”, the Apex Court held as follows:
28. The tenor of the judgment suggests that wife-beating is a normal facet of married life. Does that mean giving one or two slaps to a wife by a husband just does not matter? We do not think that that can be a right approach.…..Assault on a woman offends her dignity. What effect it will have on a woman depends on the facts and circumstances of each case. There cannot be any generalisation on this issue.….The above quoted extracts add to the reasons why the learned Sessions Judge's judgment can be characterised as perverse. They show a mindset which needs to change…..

Unfortunately, not all such cases reach and can afford to reach the Apex Court in India for it to intervene and lay down the real meaning of ‘dignity to life’ and therefore, such abuses and the victims of such abuses see their death in this: “Therefore, giving one or two beatings is not cruelty to drive the deceased to commit suicide.”

DISPARITY IN THE DOMESTIC ABUSES VIS-A-VIS THE CRISIS OF A PANDEMIC:
The point that I wish to drive home by the aforementioned discussion is that, unless the ‘omission’ to do acts towards the well-being of a woman is also brought under the purview of ‘domestic violence’, the true purpose of the PWDVA remains partially achieved. And that explains the increase in the number of domestic violence cases against women across the Globe and in India during a crisis like that of a lockdown. The word omission has been omitted from the minds of people which requires them to consider the woman-partner of the family as an ‘equal’ and thus contribute positively towards her physical and mental well-being by sharing her burdens and not as a cushion that is there to absorb the frustrations and tensions of men at her home. Most of the domestic violence cases reported during lockdown pertain to men denying help in doing house chores or other such works and thus women getting exerted; abuse from an alcoholic withdrawn husband; restrictions on movements to maternal places or any other such deemed safe places; frustrations of job and income issues being vented out on woman; frequent quarrels at home over economic issues; and most importantly, the expected police apathy towards the domestic violence cases in times of a lockdown which has already over-burdened them, and the like. 

The overview of these complaints make us realise that there is a need for us to change our way of looking at ‘domestic violence’ cases. Most of these would not even satisfy the definition of ‘domestic violence’ previously, unless it involved some form of physical/sexual/emotional/economic injury, as mere failure to do some positive acts towards the well-being of the woman of the house was deemed to be no abuse at all. All the existing socio-legal mechanisms like that of NGOs, police, lawyers, law-makers, judiciary, local administrators, panchayats, and the like, have greatly fallen short by giving such a narrow interpretation to ‘domestic violence‘, and thus, should step-up now and broaden their vision and mindset about ‘domestic violence/abuse’, otherwise the object of the whole Act gets compromised. 

In addition to this, the service of the ‘Protection Officers’ provided under the Act should come under the “essential services” for them to be effective during a crisis like that of the current one, otherwise the women with no means to seek help will suffer enormously. In regard to the fear of the victims of domestic abuse vis-a-vis the over-crowding of ‘shelter homes’ during a lockdown, and thus their failure to report such abuses, the Government should step-in to ensure that it will be the perpetrators of abuse that shall be removed from the household and not the victims, and thereby put the provisions of the PWDVA to a meaningful use.

CONCLUSION WITH SUGGESTIONS:
‘Domestic violence against women’ is a crime that happens behind the closed door between people emotionally involved and linked intimately. It is a very heavy load on the victim that has the capability of breaking homes and lives associated with it, if reported. It is an offense that umbrellas various variables like educational, social, economic, and religious backgrounds, societal status, individual principles and the like of the parties involved. Therefore, it is almost impossible to have a universal definition of this crime and should be that way. The true purpose and meaning of the PWDVA will be achieved only when each case is studied in isolation, objectively, and taking into consideration all the facts and circumstances involved, and then applying the parameters of ‘domestic violence’ as laid down in the Act.

Time has come to not only ensure that every woman of the land is free from infliction of any kind of physical pain on her body, but also is shielded well when it comes to the abuses that are bulleted into her emotional sphere. Mental health and hygiene is as important as that of physical health and hygiene and therefore, emotional/verbal/economic abuses which may not touch a woman's body per se, are still abuses and there is no right for anyone to to snatch away the rights of a victim of these abuses by placing them in comparison or in contrast to physical/sexual abuses. 

Women, irrespective of their class, age or region, are made the primary custodian of the home-management affairs in two ways, one, they are shredded with these responsibilities as a matter of right without knowing their individual wish and will, and two, they are judged adversely if they do not wish to take up these responsibilities. Biological responsibilities of a woman like that of rearing a child or breast-feeding a baby and the like are understandably to be done by her only, but these socially tailored practices made in the name of ‘division of labor’ without taking the consent of the woman involved, to systematically keep her away from the sources of authority and power and satisfy one’s selfish ends, should stop. The Stone Age is long gone, and so should these. This so-called ‘division of labor’ has not just remained a matter of convenience of each house, subject to the mutual arrangements of the partners involved, but has become a deep rooted thought and phenomenon in the minds of people, including both men and women. Therefore, I feel, the current pandemic crisis or not, such a still-existing patriarchal mind-set of people at large has always been a big hurdle in giving the true meaning to the provisions of the PWDVA or for that matter, any other woman-oriented law, and thus the same has to change.

And lastly, it is high time now that men not only stop hitting a woman or force her for sex, but move a step ahead and shun the idea of being 'seen blind and heard deaf' on seeing a woman in distress, and do something positively towards her well-being and give her the dignity and respect that she deserves and are rightfully hers.



Tuesday 17 September 2019

Growing up with you



I want to stay here,
In this moment,
Freezing u and me, gluing you to me!
When your sweet gentle lips touch my cheeks,
I feel else nothing is this a bliss!
But my eyes see those days,
When your tiny feet stand firm and strong,
To take you a little far,
Not from my bubble of shelter and care,
But only from my selfish greed of love!
When you teach me that,
Watching you grow is a bliss equal,
And also is a norm of nature,
My heart would then long for lesser hurdles,
And a buttery path for you to slide on!
Seeing you grow bigger each day,
Is the biggest blessing anyday,
And is slightly sweetish--bitter-ish
To watch you striving to lay that step,
That gives you a little 'away-from-me' leap!
Know that you are the reason behind all my smiles,
And the push for me to go those miles,
Where you become a man worth all cries,
And the one who now spreads smiles,
Trust me baby these are the only lines,
That you will cherish when soon time flies!
So here I pray this day that,
May He give you all the might,
To shine and shine only bright,
And the will to fly that flight,
That takes you to my dream sight!

Thursday 11 January 2018

A leap of faith!

There comes a time in life,
When you are pushed through the shadow of mother's care,
To the stage of bright focus lights,
That expect you to smile and win hearts.

There comes a time in life,
When a baby bird is left to fly on its own for food,
And it fumbles, cries, and starves,
To only see a seen blind, heavy hearted mother.

There comes a time in life,
When the strongest human bond is put for dilution,
When the hour arrives for a mother to send off her ever-lil-now-grownup girl away from her.

There comes a time in life,
When the strength is tested most, and showed,
Whilst the girl leaves behind her cocoon, comfort and cause of existence.

There comes a time in life,
When you wake up in the middle of night,
To find that place and warmth in your mother's arms,
To only realize that it now is only a dream and a privilege to have.

But, little did you know that dreams do come true and nothing is as soothing and pleasant than that😊

You take that leap of faith into the cradle of 'another mother', who
Makes you smile and win hearts😊❤
Teaches you to fly and feed yourself🐣
Embraces the toddler-in-marriage, You!👩‍👧
Gives you another cocoon filled with comfort and care🏕
Lays the shoulders of immense love, warmth and strength👩‍👧‍👦

And what more can you ask for now, when blessed with such 'another mother'?!

May be, some ability to make her smile and keep her happy always?

Hoping to do a bit of that today, which day is as special to me as is to many others, for it gave me that 'another mother' away from my mother🤗 And that indeed is a blessing to relish for life😊

You are truly a source of inspiration and admiration for 'many' with me 'on top' in that☺😘

With loads of love,

A very very happy birthday Ma🤗😘
God bless you always😊

                                 Yours,
                            Anu putta!

Friday 5 January 2018

Happy anniversary mom n dad!

I can't forget the pains you ate to bear me and deliver me, can I mom?
I can't forget those feeding hands with delicious bites filled with love and ghee!, can I dad?

I can't forget those innocent, anxious, num eyes waiting just for me when I am home ten minutes late, can I mom?
I can't forget waking up at 5 am daily and be ready with my Barbie kit just to fall asleep again in car!, can I dad?

I can't forget fighting with you for an extra chapati for my lunch box, or an extra hour of your cell phone, can I mom?
I can't forget those endless questions of mine on your shoulder at night until I fall asleep and your patient answers for each of them!, can I dad?

I can't forget those secret prayers of yours, day-in and day-out, just for our well-being, can I mom?
I can't forget those 5-star chocolates, watermelon and all my favorites always being stocked at home by you, can I dad?

I can't forget all those covers given by you from dad's bullets for my naughtiness!, can I mom?
I can't forget those head massages that give me the most amazing sleep on earth, can I dad?

I can't get this taste of food made by you anywhere else on this planet, can I mom?
I can't get these words of wisdom and confidence, anywhere else, that sort out the 'at-times' miserable me!, can I dad?

I can't forget those words of you that breathed life into me when I was miserably down and gone, can I mom?
I can't forget those whips-of-words by you whenever I erred just to bring me back on the right track, can I dad?

I can't forget the way you eat pains and give smiles, and understand in this life, what it takes for you to do that, can I mom?
I can't forget those sleepless nights of yours just to see us sleep happily and peacefully, can I dad?

😊😊

I can't let go off my backbone, my support system and my source of inspiration and motivation, can I mom?😊

I can't let go off your shoulders that give me the calmest sleep ever, can I dad? 😊

😊You both are the reason for my existence and 'existence this way' today and i am immensely happy, proud and grateful for being your daughter 🤗👨‍👩‍👧😘

😊It is the precious smiles on you both's faces and the pride in eyes that drive our every step in life and are the reasons for our breaths and smiles 😊😊

Those are our beginning and those are our goals 😊

This is you both for all three of us and will always be so ❤😍🤗

Love you both loads 👫 💞😘🤗
Keep smiling😊 it means the world to us💓✌🏻